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You Too Me Too - Justin Brady
00:00 / 00:00
RESPONSE TO APOLOGY FROM ST STANISLAUS COLLEGE, BATHURST      Damien Sheridan.
 
The anticipation leading up to the day of the 16th June 2017. The day St Stanislaus College apologises to the victims of Child sex and ritual abuse. The lead up put me on a downward spiral. A number of issues did not sit well with me and the first was the apology was announced as a public apology but no public/media was allowed. With ongoing pressure from victims and the concerned public at the 11th hour the college announced media would be involved, the apology was then as it was supposed to be a public apology as the college first announced, but there was no chance to have media that wanted to be there able too.
With all the lead up, anticipation, anxiety and the feeling of despair in the thought I had to return to the college if I wanted to hear the apology were triggers after triggers.
By this stage my CPTSD was full blown and I was everywhere and nowhere. It was my son Zak that took over and did what needed to be done to get me there, he wasn’t taking any reason for us not going, he had seen the anxiety and crap that I was going through with the thought of having to go back to the College to sit through a ‘literly of sorry’ with the college announcing that it was a religious event with prayer and religious appeal.
I really didn’t remember what that was like being involved in ‘religious ceremonies’ and then the event started. Suddenly people around me started singing the song ‘come as you are’ then memories came flooding back, memories of church, the college, the event, the pain, the sadness, the anger, the despair of no listening to me to get me out.
I had sent letters to my parents, and then sent letters to my aunties to get me out. It fell on deaf ears. The feelings and emotions, anger and rage came flooding back in a waves I never expected. Then ‘The Lord Is My Sheppard’ was sung, I was shaking at this stage holding everything in and feeling extremely uncomfortable in the environment. I had the support of my son Zak my mother and step father were there as well, I knew they would keep me safe, that’s the only thing that kept me together. Having people sing around me was really uncomfortable; I really lost memory of what church was like and all the religious bullshit that had been drummed into me as a child. It all came flooding back and having people sing or chant around me was one of the worst feelings I can remember for a long time, my childhood at the college came flooding back and at that stage my sadness turned into pure anger.
The most concerning and what didn’t help was that when I was turning the corner to enter the building at the college where the apology took place, was a very tall priest. My heart sunk. I said to Zak I know him. The feeling in my gut was a long deep pit and saying to myself just hang on and get through this, you made it this far, not long to go. I just walked straight past and into the auditorium.
The issue was the very tall priest that I recognised was at the college at the end of my time there, Fr. Gregory Brett. It was, fuck, he was at the college, did he know what went on at that time, it would be hard for him not to have known, especially when all this started to come out first in 1994 and in the position that he holds in the Vincentians. Now what was he doing there? Well he is now the provincial Vincentian and he was giving the apology on behalf of the Vincentians and the St Stanislaus College.
My CPTSD by this stage is in full flight. I kept saying to myself, they cannot hurt you; you are not a child this time around. The fact is that they did hurt me and in ways I never knew was humanely possible and to live with it. Then to see Fr. Brett there sent waves of emotion and none of it was positive, becoming angrier listening to the apology from him.
 
The “Words Come To Me” he kept repeating over and over all I wanted to do was tell him that for me the last time I went to a priest look what happened, “come to me, come to me, come to me” kept repeating in my head and the images/flashbacks were extreme but with the help of Zak and the support of my mum and step father, and the other victims and their families, I kept it together even made it through the chanting in the litany of lament, but I drew the line at the lord’s prayer, at that stage I knew that it was time for me to leave,. Holding it together I got up and walked out and Zak got me to the car and home where I crashed emotionally.
I was made aware it had been 3 months, 2 weeks ago (date now 4.10.2017) as I have been trying to obtain the video footage of the event. The ABC told me the college is the only one with the copy so again I build up the strength because I have to now contact the college. So I send an email to the head of the college and I am happy to say I got a response this time and a positive response but the college said they didn’t have the copy the media have the only copy. So, here we go again, I have to fight for the access to video, then the college told me that there is “no footage” of the apology, my response was “well that’s a bit silly to have video recorders there and not record the event”.
What he ‘Zak’ has done with supporting me through the crap that I have had to deal with and a 10 year court case is remarkable and amazing. I get told it’s the way I bought him up with values and morals I should be very proud. Of course I am proud of my son, but what most people don’t realise is years ago when I had to tell my children what was going on with court and my childhood, Zak made the decision then to stay, though I offered to take him to his mother if it would be easier. I think that’s was the first time Zak expressed anger towards me and said “that’s not an option dad were in this together”.
All through the case and year after year he was there and I was there for him we had each other.
He was in for the long hall as he knew I could not walk away no matter how hard it was and how many times over the 10 years I had had enough and just wanted to die, I just want the pain and hurt to stop, it has consumed my whole life and not in a positive way.
He rode the ups and downs and was just there when no one else could cope with me and my CPTSD, the pain, hurt and anger reliving and reliving over and over again, there was no escape.
We moved to the mid north coast and I started to teach my kids about the ocean, movements, rips etc. and to surf. He wanted to know how and what a rip was like, so when I saw an opportunity I put him in a rip with me and we floated around the ocean and had fun, then showed him how to get out of one and how to use a rip to your advantage when your surfing etc. jump in one to get out the back quicker. Then he was at the beach and some elderly holiday people got caught in a rip so Zak went in and got them out and saved their lives. I am so proud of Zak that I cannot finds words to describe how proud of him I am not just as my son but the man he has turned into.
The Apology statement from Dr Ann Wenham was read with heart felt emotion and I respect that. It is emotional for everyone in different ways. “I acknowledge too, that for some victims and your families, this Service cannot and will not bring the healing and peace you crave and deserve”.
 
That’s very true and I am glad to hear at long last some sort of understanding the damage caused to children intrusted into their care. So much went on at that college and I will say it again it was a well organised pedophile ring. Let’s also call a spade a spade, yes teachers at the college were charged and convicted but the majority convicted pedophiles were priests, brothers and clergy laymen. This was not a on off, If you follow the convicted pedophiles from the college they have victims wherever they went. They knew exactly what they were doing and kept doing it. The college was a haven for pedophiles, all those boys around they were in paradise. Parents dropped off their children to these men and said goodbye to their children, only to loose their children forever.
 
The last thing they expected was to hand their children over to priests and brothers only to have their children used to fulfill their sexual desires and pleasures. I’m glad that Dr Wenham has the insight at least to acknowledge this and that I also respect. ”It is time to say sorry”.  It was time to say sorry long, long ago, instead we the victims were dragged through a ten year court case. That alone is soul destroying, reliving and not been able to function, the anxiety of it all, I was living on fight and flight all that time. Many ways I still am, I know nothing else.
 
Fr. Brett also made a speech, as you could imagine by this time I was on high alert CPTSD and all that goes with it.
Listening to him speak; all I could think about was here you are making this speech but you were at the college, did you know what was going on? We will never know the truth; nothing the college has done has been to help victims at all. I responded to the invitation to be involved in the apology as reported in a news article ‘Goondiwindi paper’ of all papers. So I ended up emailing the college but I didn’t get a response back. Knowing the college and there past I don’t trust them at all, nor do I have any reason to trust them, they took that away as well. I tracked the email so I know it was received and opened but they chose not to respond. If they had off  then I would have been able to explain how difficult doing what they’re doing with the apology can cause more damage than good. Over the last few weeks I have only started coming out of the CPTSD emotion and behaviour. It’s interesting for me I seem to revert back to the memories of that hurt little child shaking in the dark asking himself what the just happened.
The emotion and anger, I constantly have to remind myself I am not a child and they cannot hurt me anymore. The apology was a nightmare for me. When he said we failed you it was like no shit Sherlock saying it is one thing doing it is another. “We have failed to live the Gospel of Christ and the vision of St. Vincent”. Yes you did.
Nowhere I know in the gospel of Christ says it’s ok to abuse children physically or mentally, to be used for the pleasure of priests, brothers and laymen.
I was told I had the devil in me; I was also given an exorcism. I was 13. I was raised in a small country town of Forbes. I was so nieve. Little did I know what people are capable of and I met the worse of them all. There is no excuse; there is no apology that can make up for the devastation of my life since. I don’t live, I exist. Maybe I don’t want to exist anymore, maybe, just maybe I want to live and an apology is not going to give me any of my life back, I am now 46 and this has consumed the last 30 odd years of my life.
 
What society thinks are simple things like shopping, checking email or just going out I find extremely difficult, you can’t give me that back. You cannot give me a career a relationship. It would be nice to have someone to hold me that tight that they put all the pieces back together, but that won’t happen, you cannot give me life back. That’s what you took.
If Fr. Brett was aware of what was going on at the college when we I was there and he says “I monitor the individual Priests and communities and I am, in turn, monitored by a panel of lay persons who are well trained in the area of child protection.  I would be happy to speak about these changes with you at the break”. Knowing about it and doing nothing about makes you helping protect these pedophiles achieve their sexual pleasures with young boys possible. Who are these lay people, are they appointed separate or part of the college/Vincentian. Are they Independent from St Stanislaus college.
“But it is not enough to say I am sorry.  There has to be more”.   I totally agree Fr. Gregory Brett, but what??
You have not offered any help, you have not even recognised the amount of damage done to children over decade’s, victims have committed suicide, you are responsible for that. You have not offered us to get any help to deal with what has happened to us under your ‘the Vincentations’ care.
After I left before the Lord’s Prayer, one of the mothers asked for a memorial, like a garden. I think this is a great idea, but a garden?? I get it, I really do, I have a mother and I see the pain in her eyes. If the mothers want a garden then that’s up to them but speaking for myself I would like to see a rugby tournament with a shield or trophy making it a weekend to raise awareness and support for victims of child sexual abuse, after all it is a rugby college and growing boys full of testosterone and energy. I remember things like the whybird shield……it can be done. It’s done all the time in the other football codes.
 
 
I appreciate the apology but can I accept your apology……NO I CAN NOT.
Too much has happened, it been over 30 years, you cannot give me back my life that was taken from me at such an early age, you turned me into a very angry hurt confused damaged person. I never had a chance. A ten year court case that the Vincentian’s dragged out for as long as they could and the dirty tactics were disgusting.
This was exposed in 94 now 2017. Over 1 million dollars spent of Spillane’s defence let alone Gaven; McPhillamy; Dwyer…the list goes on. Having to fight to get a public apology actually public.
I came to you, as hard as it was I emailed you as the invitation asked, and you ignored me.
What would you expect really, an apology and life moves on, I believe you at least have the insight to know that not true. Still there is so much yet to come out. I appreciate and thank you for your apology Fr. Brett and acknowledgement from the college but it doesn’t change anything for me. “But it is not enough to say I am sorry.  There has to be more”.  There has to be more, but what?
I remain open to you Fr. Brett; you have access to my email at least. I ask you, where to from here?
Lately every time you read the news there is something about a priest saying that they refuse to marry gay couples, really you believe you have a right to say anything at all. The time in believing everything a priest tells you are well over, and you should get your own house in order before you criticise or judge anyone else.
Thank you,
Damien Sheridan
 
https://www.therealbathurst.org/single-post/2017/09/25/St-Stanislaus-CollegeBATHURST---FORMAL-APOLOGY-TO-VICTIMS-OF-CHILD-SEXUAL-ASSAULT
http://stannies.com/NEWS_DETAIL/9123
​*the above link has been removed from the college web site
 
                                         -----------------------------------------------
 
 
GEORGE PELL-Victorian police announce today 17.05.17 they have enough evidence to charge  Cardinal George Pell with child sex crimes.
                                          ------------------------------------------------                                 
Bathurst - Beyond the Royal CommissionPublic-MAY17
Hosted by David Shoebridge
Despite the pressure we have put on, the Royal Commission have refused to have a case study, incuding public hearings into abuse in the Bathurst area, notably at St Stanislaus. 

St Stanislaus have also announced they will be issuing an apology to victims of priests at that school on the 16th June - this is despite little to no communication with survivors of abuse or their families. 

We will be coming together to hear from speakers including crusading journalist Joanne McCarthy, representatives of survivors organisation and survivors of abuse and their families. 

Please join us to hear what we can do from here, and how to get justice for victims of child abuse in Bathurst.
                                         --------------------------------------------------
 
For the last few days my son and I have been going around doing letterbox drops and handing out pamphlets. Well I will just direct you to what he had to say on the Facebook page, the only thing that people didn't do was spit on us - I am so pissed with what we were subject too. I am a human being - even so called friends but so called 'family' walked away, wont talk to me, like I'm a leppar or worse. I did not ask to be sexually abused by a priest at boarding school. I fucking hate people.
On the 06/04/2017 I contacted the College, not an easy task personally more than anything. I sent the email to the email address provided by Dr Anne Wenman as posted on the site below in the newspaper. Dr Wenman the head of St Stanislaus College has totally ignored my email with her invitation for victims to come forward to have an imput into this apology by the College for the sexual abuse and pedophile ring involving St Stanislaus College, one Fr Brian Spillane now labelled one of the worst clergy pedophiles in Australia's history, he didn't care if they were male or female as long as they were children.
Most people in this situation would be in a panic, did they get the email? What if they say they didn't get the email? What if? Well let me introduce you to something called email trackers. These are used for marketing purposes for one of many reasons, another is to verify if an email has been received, opened etc etc read more if you like here. NO EXCUSES!      

PRIME MINISTER Malcolm Turnbull is under pressure to launch an investigation into elite pedophile rings in Australia, after allegations surfaced of a former prime minister on a police list of suspected pedophiles.

Child sex abuse survivors advocates have backed calls from Liberal Senator Bill Heffernan to expand the royal commission into child sex abuse.

The calls for an urgent inquiry follow the Senator’s sensational claim yesterday that he has a police list which names 28 prominent people, including a former PM, as suspected pedophiles. But.......there is more a lot lot more!

                                   -------------------------------------------------------------------

In parliament on the 30.03.2017 the Hon Mr Bill Shorten MP made a statement that I hope he means. He made it very clear in parliament, with a rather dramatic performance, "WE.STAND.UP.FOR.THE.PEOPLE". In his own words.

 

If that is the case the victims - survivors and the community are not just requesting but expecting the Royal Commission to do its job and investigate the Institutional clergy child sex abuse in Bathurst, after all that is what the commission was set up to investigate. With what is now know as the biggest case in DPP history why would you ignore such events, or even think about doing so.

After all Mr Shorten you told us all very loud and clear "WE STAND UP FOR THE PEOPLE" they are strong words and we are all hoping you follow through with your strong stance standing up for the people.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can’t feel, I can’t shout or scream. I have nothing left to offer, nothing left to give.

I exist in this cruel world.

I have seen things as a child and been exposed to some of the most horrific experiences. I am not the only one. The list is long.

 

All I have left is my voice as much as it shakes when I speak. Do I want this? No, I don’t. I thought after the 16th Feb 2017 when the court case finished things would be different but…..was I wrong. Only to find that the chapter had closed and another chapter opened up.

I cannot sit back and lay idol bye either. There is a wrong that needs to be set right. For the survivors, not for political correctness or just to be seen to do something and not follow through. Ask the survivors what they would like to occur for the long awaited apology from St Stanislaus College, oh wait you can’t as Dr Ann Wenham would know. Dr Ann Wenham is the current head of the college. Dr Wenham’s appointment to the role in Bathurst was made by the Provincial of the Congregation of the Mission (the Vincentians) Fr Michael Walsh, the first female appointed to such a position and I came across this I found in the Goondiwindi argus newspaper of all the left field places to find such a thing

 

 

If I am to do this and use my voice then you must understand this is emotional and can not be any more personal. I will not be involved in a ‘witch hunt’. Attacking the school will not solve anything. Yes, the college has a dark, very dark history and a black cloud over Bathurst. This has gone through generations. Generations of child sexual abuse, control and the cover ups used by the Vincentan fatherhood, it is a fact that cannot be hidden anymore.

I am angry, very angry – you took my life away, destroyed my mind and body at such a young age. If I could give you my pain for just a day it would be worth it for you to understand.

 

This has been a 10 year court case, Yes that’s right a decade of legal proceedings. If I could only describe what that does to a person. All sort of tactics have been used to delay, destroy victims and to break them. Is it illegal? No, it’s not. Is it right though? Is it morally right? One thing I have found out is there are no morals where the defense were concerned. After all you are dealing with sexually abused children, many still trapped in that mindset.

 

I went to a public forum in Bathurst on the 14th March 2017 regarding the institutional sexual abuse in Bathurst, St Stanislaus college – also known as Stannies. I was disappointed to find out that a College representative such as Dr Ann Wenham was not present. After all I believe transparency is one key to helping resolve the clergy child sexual abuse and the cover up that has continued for decades, I am aware the school has produced a lot of followers of the Vincentan’s as fathers, brothers, teachers and college laymen. Really, the college has a choice as this is the 150 year anniversary of the college. The college now has the choice to move forward and continue under the dark could of child sex abuse.

NO MORE BULLSHIT, I’m over it, we can all play games but as I said I’m over it and want nothing to do with it. As I said I will not be involved in a witch hunt with the school.

 

YES, the Royal Commission needs to be held into the institutional clergy child sexual abuse surrounding Bathurst such as St Stanislaus College. What went on at the college was nothing less than a well organised pedophile ring with a lot of money and power behind it, (sssh, they say they are broke. Don’t tell anyone). Members of the community were aware of this going on and did nothing about it and let the children continue to be abused.

If the Prime Minister the Hon Malcolm Turnbull can come out on Monday the 20.3.2017 declaring a royal commission into unions, then there is no reason he cannot continue one. In Fact, I am calling for our Prime Minister to make a stand against child sexual abuse and the cover ups in Bathurst and St Stanislaus College.

 

To the Hon Mr Turnbull PM, we are asking for you to make a stand in the institutional clergy child sex abuse, pedophile rings and the people behind it.

Follow the convicted pedophiles from St Stanislaus and you will find victims in all areas they were moved too.

Another way to look at is; Parents sent their children to the college and paid for them to be sexually abused; great education. For me, my first sexual experience was forced upon me by a priest, Fr Brian Joseph Spillane. He also performed an exorcism upon me. Power and Control, these pathetic excuses as human beings used whatever motive they could. Spillane was calculated and well planned and I truly believe he thought he was king in the Vincentans and defiantly strutted around the college as such.

 

I asked to have my name released for a few reasons. As I was sitting in court there was no one for many reasons that cannot speak at the moment. Still caught up in the ‘system’ or want to keep their anonymity, as I wanted to keep mine. The angrier I became looking at Spillane and his arrogant behavior in court without an ounce of remorse, but still managed to share a wave to one of his church colleagues that was present at the sentencing.

I got to the point that this is my life. I didn’t want it, I didn’t choose it but if I am stuck with it so I will embrace it and own it and tell my story.

 

The bottom line is the school and the Vincentan fatherhood had a duty of care to look after and to protect the children entrusted in them by their parents or carers. The college hosts children from all over the central west, where higher education is not present for a lot. That didn’t happen, parents dropped their children off to Br Peter Dwyer (president), Br John Gaven, and the king Chaplin himself Fr Brian Spillane.

Were they there to look over their new pray, well yes some were and some were not, were they rubbing their hands together with drool running out there mouths, drooling like wolves dressed in sheep’s clothing picking there victim’s? Who knows, you can only imagine what disgusting thoughts went through their minds.

I guess only they can answer that. We will never know, preying on homesick children and taking advantage of them to fulfill their disgusting sexual desires.

My name is Damien Sheridan, previously known as Victim “L”.

Contact:    email:         therealbathurst@protonmail.ch

                 Web site:   https://www.therealbathurst.org/

                 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100015802998236 fb removed the page

                 Twitter:      The Real Bathurst @real_bathurst

 

​​​Disciples of the Lie

Iced Earth

 

You abuse and you victimize
But you're dignified, so you justify
It's in your eyes where deception lies
So you criticize with cruel eyes
Father in black, black as sin
Pure hypocrisy to no end
Condemning me and my fellow man
I live my life among the damned

 

I've gotta do as you say, not as you do
You're a man of the cloth, I'm comin' for you
You say you can save me, cleanse me of my sin
A holy predator, the wolf in sheepskin

 

See the pain in my eyes


Disciples of the lie

 

Breeding fear in your twisted smile
Pedophile, in denial
I taste revenge when I think of you
A life of hell you put me through
When I find you I'll take you out
No remorse, you're going down
You see satisfaction in my eyes
I vindicate, now you die

 

See the hatred in my eyes

Disciples of the lie

 

I've gotta do as you say, not as you do
You're a man of the cloth, I'm comin' for you
You say you can save me, cleanse me of my sin
A holy predator, the wolf in sheepskin
Disciples of the lie

 

The blackness inside overwhelms me
The pain engulfs and turns to rage in me
Trapped so deep in my mental hell
Release the demons, set me free

 

I've gotta do as you say, not as you do
You're a man of the cloth, I'm comin' for you
You say you can save me, cleanse me of my sin
A fucking predator, the wolf in sheepskin

Disciples of the Lie lyrics © O/B/O Apra Amcos

 

Mad World

Gary Jules, Michael Andrews

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen


Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world, world
Enlarge your world
Mad world

Written by Roland Orzabal • Copyright © BMG Rights Management US, LLC